No post, just for your enjoyment

Don't look at me

So this weekend I went to meet up with a cutie at the MoMA and get my culturazation on. So I tried to dress cute. I felt it should be warm enough for my casual summer dress that looks outstanding on me. Unfortunately I wanted to wear flats because this was a first meeting thing and ol' boy said he was 1" shorter than I. And I being of average height for an American male, decided I didn't want to dwarf him. Especially because I know some guys are prone to lie about their height (I once met this gremlin who told me he was 5'9" when I saw in a picture that he looked short. Needless to say when I met him he was all of 5'2" and I thats me being lenient). Also I was going to be walking in a museum for probably 5 hours straight on my feet (ol' boy already said he was looking forward to staying until closing, and honestly so was I) and I wanted something definitely comfortable. Because when my feet start to hurt I get pissy, and things wouldn't bode well for ol' boy if I start to equate him with my pained tootsies.

So I look in my closet for flats that match the dress. My best option were some open toe
sandals. Ok not sandals, they were Jesus slippers. But they were nice and pretty decorative all leather flats. Dangnabit. And on top of that I haven't gotten my seasonal pedicure. My feet aren't rough but I'd rather they look more taken care of. But I figured I would just drag attention away from the tootsies by being so energetic and witty and he'll never notice the feet. Plus I'm perpetually late so I didn't even have time to paint my toes. Sigh

My Jesus slippers look like this↑.

But damn, did my feet look like this↑??

So I'm walking to the train station and keep hearing somebody holla at me. I'm trying not to pay attention when I realize its the parking attendant at the under the tracks parking lot half a block away. But he hollas forever, so I turn and smile and shake my head before he brings more attention to me. But he keeps yelling and waving me to come over to his dark sketchy under the traintracks job. Like I'm crazy.

Oh no I am not going to meet you ↑here

So on the subway in NYC and 2 young cops get on. I feeling like all sorts of inappropriate behavior is going to happen. I'm halfway between glaring at officer Medina because he stepped on the train with his ticket book out and brought back bad memories for me. And halfway giggling because he looked like he was maybe nineteen. He was probably 22 or 23 and kinda cute in a lightskinned way but I still wanted to giggle because he looked like he shined his badge every morning. So I'm giving officer hottie the side eye just in case he's interested (I know I'm on my way to meet another boy, so what, I'm single) but he doesn't really return it and I don't play desperate. I feel like he goes out of his way to stand all near me though. But later I catch him staring.... at my feet. I'm so pissed now, I'm like damn, I got all sorts of beautiful parts of me, I wouldn't even be mad if you were staring at my boobs but why you gotta go pay so much attention to my feet in the Jesus slippers. Fuck. Even when I tuck me feet up under the bench he still stares at them. Officer Medina obviously ain't seen feet before. I don't have any funky bunions or nothing, and my feet weren't ashy or dirty or crazy, they just weren't pedicured. So I'm mad at officer Medina for making me self-conscious on the train.

He made me immediately think my feet looked like this.

Later I caught him gazing at my knees (or I hope it was my knees, it was in my general lap region, I don't think he had x-ray vision so I'm going with knees) which is just odd so I'm thinking he doesn't know the rules for staring. Never get caught staring at some place weird on a woman.

Driving in DC

Yea so I got excited about starting another blog and then immediately started neglecting it again. I only want a blog when I want to bitch. Well last week was good for some bitchery. I’m doing a stupid commute between Jersey and MD (via NYC-DC Chinatown buslines, woot!-notice how neither are where I’m actually headed) and last week I decided to drive. And when I say decided, I mean my dad called to harangue me into visiting by scaring me into thinking my license plate stickers were going to expire in really soon and I need to get my car inspected. Now don’t tell anyone, but my car didn’t pass regular inspection in October so I had serious doubts about it passing emissions inspection now. It didn’t but luckily the repairs were under $100 so I could afford it (barely, I’m so broke I have to travel to MD for a job, it takes half my salary on the traveling!- I still have hope that the telecommuting will come through soon). But driving in the DC area is an experience that I had forgotten how much I hate. So I have these wishes to send out to the internets in hopes that somebody, someday will grant it.

This guy will probably not grant my wishes

1. I want a LOUDASS OFFENSIVE sounding Horn. I practically need it. The only time on the highway where I’ve almost died have been in Northern Virginia. Why? Because that is the ONLY place I’ve driven where people neither use their rearview mirrors or look over their should before they merge. AND THEN WHEN THEY BEGIN TO MERGE INTO ANOTHER CAR, hearing the horn and then noticing the obstruction of another vehicle, THEY CONTINUE TO MERGE, as if I will simply disappear in the face of their arrogant merging. Assholes. This has happened multiple times. Once I broke my horn beeping a guy doing this to me because he wouldn’t stop and was running me off the road. Then my horn wouldn’t stop and I had to pull over anyway and beat the shit out of it. Then of course my horn wouldn’t ever start again. Now I have my horn back but it’s far too polite for N. Va drivers. I want a horn that sounds like a thousand sheep were just bitten on the bum. I want a horn that absolutely shocks the conscious when it sounds. I wants something so offensive that when I sound that damn horn, people instinctively pull their cars and children away from me. Sheesh.

   This is what I want people to fear when they hear my horn.
   

2. I want all minivan drivers off the road. I was going to say off the highway and only allow minivan drivers on local roads, but I don’t want them there either. People in minivans instinctively gravitate to the passing lane and then plop their fatasses in the fatassmobile there to go 1 mile over the speed limit. AND refuse to move out of the lane no matter what traffic is doing around them. This happens on highways and even worse on 2 lane local roads. People with minivans have the mindset that I’m going fast enough, no one should be going faster than me and if they really want to speed they can go around. Except no one can you bastard, because you’re poking around in the passing lane. Assholes. What’s worse is that if another minivan in another lane notices other minivans, they like to drive right next to them going the same speed. Its like they get together and say, “Citizens patrol, lets regulate the highways speed. Let’s see how many aneurysms we can cause today.”Anyone who chooses to purchase a minivan should immediately have their license revoked. Cops should be able to pull you over if you drive a minivan. At least if you drive it in the passing lane, like buses and trucks. I would relegate all minivans to the merging lane if they weren’t such arrogant bastards that won’t even adjust their speed or move or anything to allow you to merge onto the highway. So all those fucktards can all get shot in the face. Damn minivan drivers.

   This guy will pretend he's the pace car for the highway and shoot you in the face.
   

3. Maryland drivers all need to take their ass to drivers ed in another state. I hate them so much. All Maryland drivers are like minivan drivers. They go whatever speed they want in whatever lane they want. You know how to find a Maryland driver. Ask them where the passing lane is and check for the stupid look on their face. They have no concept. So let me educate you right now. THE LEFT LANE! The left lane is the passing lane; you should pass cars on the left. If you are going slow stay your ass in the right hand lane. That is the meaning of those signs you see in other states saying ‘Slower traffic keep right.’ What it means is if you are going slower than other traffic around you; keep your ass to the right. I mean MD drivers are so jacked they have to put these signs up in all the surrounding states to educate these fuckwads. The only reason why you have so damn many left hand merges in that state. They just want to fuck up every other state around them but exporting idiot drivers. Contrary bastards.

   This fucker is doing 40.

   
   

There are a few things I do need to appreciate about the DC area in travel terms. One I appreciate the lack of potholes in most places. Even though I kinda hate you because I suspect you remove all your potholes and send them to Jersey for road material there. Two is the actual existence of merging lanes. Oh how I miss these in New Jersey. Merging in jersey is not for the faint of heart. Lastly is the allowance for left hand turns. Something also missing in Jersey. U-turns are beloved but left hand turns seem to be despised. And honestly, I don’t understand the preponderance of U-turns coupled with the lack of merge lanes. It’s like you need an advanced degree in driver’s ed just to navigate Jersey in a car. I feel for truckers up there. Le sigh.

Well this week its back on the bloody slow and constantly late Bolt Bus for me. Why wont you put plugs and wifi in your buys dear Tony Coach. I hate giving my money to the man, just so he can make me late and irritated. And he doesn’t like to stop and so I can get a bite to eat. Dagnabit I need money.

Fuck, Fuck, Damn

I am the first to admit, I cuss like a filthy sailor. I learned cussing from my mom who cusses like a champion. My sister can give you a graduate course on how to regularly cuss people out on different levels. My friends and I from way back will cuss all the damn time. The only time I don't cuss is when I'm in front of my boss/teachers (some)/children. And I work with kids on a regular basis so I can turn it off. Little Billy Badass who cusses and gets cussed out on a regular basis will act shocked as shit if he hears you utter a 4 letter word in school; and then act like a little asshole about it for weeks.But this is why I should not be fucking around in the echelon I'm fucking around in. People don't cuss after they enter graduate school up here. Let me be more correct, black people ACT like they don't cuss after they enter graduate school up in here. I have literally hung out with a bunch of people my own age in school and had them say you shouldn't cuss so much. It wasn't like I had Tourette's and was inordinately flinging 4 letter words around. I just mentioned that this mothafucka was out of his damn mind if he thought I was going to go to stay for a lecture that wasn't required the day before an exam. These grown ass women acted like I was assaulting them for saying 2 cuss words in a 30 second conversation. Well maybe I used 4 cuss words but who the fuck's keeping count. I'm an adult and I can use adult language. I like my language to be colorful damnit.
I literally had a friend last month tell me I cannot cuss around her or in her house. Not around her children (she doesn't have any) or her roommate, or her momma. I was banned from cussing around HER! Ain't this about a bitch. How you gonna ban someone from saying shit to you, wait no! saying shit AROUND you. Her old excuse was when I was cussing it made her cuss and she wanted to get away from it. I thought that sounded like a personal problem and maybe she needs to pray on it. Now she tells me she did pray on it and wants to turn her apartment into a house of God which means no cussing allowed. Needless to say I'm avoiding that house now. Maybe I'll go visit on Sunday and get my church on.