Driving in DC

Yea so I got excited about starting another blog and then immediately started neglecting it again. I only want a blog when I want to bitch. Well last week was good for some bitchery. I’m doing a stupid commute between Jersey and MD (via NYC-DC Chinatown buslines, woot!-notice how neither are where I’m actually headed) and last week I decided to drive. And when I say decided, I mean my dad called to harangue me into visiting by scaring me into thinking my license plate stickers were going to expire in really soon and I need to get my car inspected. Now don’t tell anyone, but my car didn’t pass regular inspection in October so I had serious doubts about it passing emissions inspection now. It didn’t but luckily the repairs were under $100 so I could afford it (barely, I’m so broke I have to travel to MD for a job, it takes half my salary on the traveling!- I still have hope that the telecommuting will come through soon). But driving in the DC area is an experience that I had forgotten how much I hate. So I have these wishes to send out to the internets in hopes that somebody, someday will grant it.

This guy will probably not grant my wishes

1. I want a LOUDASS OFFENSIVE sounding Horn. I practically need it. The only time on the highway where I’ve almost died have been in Northern Virginia. Why? Because that is the ONLY place I’ve driven where people neither use their rearview mirrors or look over their should before they merge. AND THEN WHEN THEY BEGIN TO MERGE INTO ANOTHER CAR, hearing the horn and then noticing the obstruction of another vehicle, THEY CONTINUE TO MERGE, as if I will simply disappear in the face of their arrogant merging. Assholes. This has happened multiple times. Once I broke my horn beeping a guy doing this to me because he wouldn’t stop and was running me off the road. Then my horn wouldn’t stop and I had to pull over anyway and beat the shit out of it. Then of course my horn wouldn’t ever start again. Now I have my horn back but it’s far too polite for N. Va drivers. I want a horn that sounds like a thousand sheep were just bitten on the bum. I want a horn that absolutely shocks the conscious when it sounds. I wants something so offensive that when I sound that damn horn, people instinctively pull their cars and children away from me. Sheesh.

   This is what I want people to fear when they hear my horn.
   

2. I want all minivan drivers off the road. I was going to say off the highway and only allow minivan drivers on local roads, but I don’t want them there either. People in minivans instinctively gravitate to the passing lane and then plop their fatasses in the fatassmobile there to go 1 mile over the speed limit. AND refuse to move out of the lane no matter what traffic is doing around them. This happens on highways and even worse on 2 lane local roads. People with minivans have the mindset that I’m going fast enough, no one should be going faster than me and if they really want to speed they can go around. Except no one can you bastard, because you’re poking around in the passing lane. Assholes. What’s worse is that if another minivan in another lane notices other minivans, they like to drive right next to them going the same speed. Its like they get together and say, “Citizens patrol, lets regulate the highways speed. Let’s see how many aneurysms we can cause today.”Anyone who chooses to purchase a minivan should immediately have their license revoked. Cops should be able to pull you over if you drive a minivan. At least if you drive it in the passing lane, like buses and trucks. I would relegate all minivans to the merging lane if they weren’t such arrogant bastards that won’t even adjust their speed or move or anything to allow you to merge onto the highway. So all those fucktards can all get shot in the face. Damn minivan drivers.

   This guy will pretend he's the pace car for the highway and shoot you in the face.
   

3. Maryland drivers all need to take their ass to drivers ed in another state. I hate them so much. All Maryland drivers are like minivan drivers. They go whatever speed they want in whatever lane they want. You know how to find a Maryland driver. Ask them where the passing lane is and check for the stupid look on their face. They have no concept. So let me educate you right now. THE LEFT LANE! The left lane is the passing lane; you should pass cars on the left. If you are going slow stay your ass in the right hand lane. That is the meaning of those signs you see in other states saying ‘Slower traffic keep right.’ What it means is if you are going slower than other traffic around you; keep your ass to the right. I mean MD drivers are so jacked they have to put these signs up in all the surrounding states to educate these fuckwads. The only reason why you have so damn many left hand merges in that state. They just want to fuck up every other state around them but exporting idiot drivers. Contrary bastards.

   This fucker is doing 40.

   
   

There are a few things I do need to appreciate about the DC area in travel terms. One I appreciate the lack of potholes in most places. Even though I kinda hate you because I suspect you remove all your potholes and send them to Jersey for road material there. Two is the actual existence of merging lanes. Oh how I miss these in New Jersey. Merging in jersey is not for the faint of heart. Lastly is the allowance for left hand turns. Something also missing in Jersey. U-turns are beloved but left hand turns seem to be despised. And honestly, I don’t understand the preponderance of U-turns coupled with the lack of merge lanes. It’s like you need an advanced degree in driver’s ed just to navigate Jersey in a car. I feel for truckers up there. Le sigh.

Well this week its back on the bloody slow and constantly late Bolt Bus for me. Why wont you put plugs and wifi in your buys dear Tony Coach. I hate giving my money to the man, just so he can make me late and irritated. And he doesn’t like to stop and so I can get a bite to eat. Dagnabit I need money.